in my head i am someone who dresses up and goes out dancing on friday nights. i know how to move my hips and laugh, letting my natural curls bounce and charm those around me. i know how to wear heels and i can wear skintight dresses that don't ride up my hips. i am sexy, in my head. i turn myself on. i make good jokes and can stay out until sunrise. there are no hangovers in my head and there are no awkward moments. i am smooth. i am admired for being smooth. i can also sing. in my head i am perpetually in a soulful music video where the people looking at me are looking at me like they just want to have the chance to let my lips touch theirs.
i often have this picture when sitting on my couch, in clothes that may be clean, with my hair a mess and the dog's butt leaning against me.
the me of my head and the me of reality are...maybe like yin and yang?
lately i've been thinking about reality vs. fantasy. what we see in front of us and what we see in our minds. we all know people who seem to live in one world more than the other. friends who are so tied to reality they can depress you and friends so tied to fantasy they can...depress you. most of us, i think, are striving for a good balance between the two. a healthy dose of both.
in my head, i am a minimalist with an amazing and simple wardrobe who writes plays that stick in people's souls for years. in my head, i get married (my wedding is amazing by the way. beautiful in its simplicity. everyone on facebook approves) and have children and have the family others dream of. in my head, my emotions find a steady road and i don't yell or scream or cry or get hurt. in my head, i am sexually liberated, demanding what i what when i want it and open to whatever opportunities come my way. in my head, i can do a handstand and i can eat ribs everyday without gaining weight or feeling a little guilty for not eating more kale. in my head, the subway always comes when i want it and new york has the weather of LA.
in my head, there is a lot of careless whisper playing on repeat.
and teddy pendergrass.
i wonder how much daydreaming, how much fantasy, i should take part in. how much i should let my mind wander. how much i should allow myself to go off.
i wonder because sometimes i am sad i am not the dancing queen on saturday nights. i wonder because sometimes i try to be. sometimes i convince myself that i can do it and i discover i hate heels though i like the extra height. i discover the skirt rides up and i am more comfortable making funny faces while singing along to the music than dancing seductively. i discover that gazes from others make me uncomfortable and the cool earrings i am wearing keep falling out.
i wonder because i want to simplify my life, my possessions, but i can't resist a new book or new cute t-shirt. i wonder because most of my life i have felt more on the quiet side of the sexual spectrum and have been called asexual by a friend and they probably don't even remember and i do and it matters more than i'd like so maybe sexual liberation is not in my cards. i wonder because i sometimes read my plays and wonder WTF AM I DOING. i wonder because if my life and the lives of those around me have taught me anything it is that being tied to certain narratives and dreams can make you ache in the present.
but then sometimes i realize the characters i create when writing are some combination of fantasy and reality. they wouldn't exist if it weren't for the two, working together in my brain, and sometimes i write something, a line, a moment, that someone else thinks is beautiful.
i wonder because i attempt handstand in yoga class and think yeah right...i am totally okay if this never happens.
but then sometimes i play careless whisper while sitting on my couch at 3:30 in the afternoon after a morning of submissions and applications and i imagine myself on the dance floor and i feel more me than i have all day. or nina's voice comes on and reminds me of all the emotions i have that are not straightforward and quiet but there inside me and real and worthy of attention and not dismissal.
so i don't know. i just wonder.