the last few weeks have been a little tough for me.
i've been spending a little too much time in my own head. (exhibit a)
from what i gather, i am not the only one who has felt this way. it seems to be an issue with february in the northeast. cold, dark, snowy...we stay inside finding solace in television, books, snuggies, and convincing your partner to walk the dog in the bitter cold instead of you. if we are lucky, we hightail it to warmer locales for a reprieve. basically though, going outside or doing anything that involves going outside even for a few minutes seems like the worst idea ever:
going to work - the worst.
going to an evening event - the worst.
going to a place where you can work out/do yoga/dance/move - the worst.
going to facebook and seeing friends who live in warmer climates post pictures - the worst. [unless you are with them or you are one of the jerks who went someplace warm and decided to post pictures to facebook too. then you think you aren't the worst but you are. and i can say that since i was in 60/70 degree weather for a week this month and did just that. i am the worst too.]
going to the grocery store so you won't starve - ugh, the absolute worst.
i've been on my couch many days this month, thinking i should be doing something more productive than i actually am and then feeling guilty about not doing enough work, not eating healthily, not going to yoga, not calling my grandparents...the list goes on. on one hand, boohoo. it is february. charly, get over it.
on the other hand, something else may be going on.
honestly i think i could deal with these february feelings if they weren't mixed with something else: i've felt a little lost lately.
people have been trying to convince me that this too is february's fault. how could i possibly feel connected to myself and all the possibilities before me in a month such as february?
but this nagging feeling of being lost has not just been around in february. it has been around for a few months now. this nagging feeling that i am quite possibly doing everything wrong. like i've been blindfolded and led into a maze and have no idea if i am finding my way out or heading down another dead end. [dead end, my brain says. definitely the dead end]
in some ways, i always feel that way. this feeling isn't necessarily unusual. what has been unusual the past few weeks is how STRONG the feeling has been. how crippling. how downright annoying and insidious it has been.
every time i open my computer. every time i trek to a theater. every time i get a rejection letter. every time i read about someone else's job/life. every time i take a picture of my cute dog. every time i pick up a book...THAT DAMN LOST FEELING IS THERE AND MAKES ME QUESTION EVERYTHING.
when people ask me how i am, i've found myself answering honestly: i'm okay, but i feel lost right now (when it comes to me, honesty is usually a symptom of a feeling's strength). people usually respond with: "oh yeah, me too", "it is totally normal", "you have time to figure things out so don't worry", "but, how is that possible?", and so on. i try my best to say that they are right. i don't disagree...but that doesn't change how i feel. things don't feel quite right. i am someone who has dealt with, continues to deal with, depression so i've spent a lot of time wondering if, maybe, that is what this is. depression hiding behind the veil of feeling lost. i don't know. maybe. it feels similar in some ways and in others, not. maybe my depression is evolving. either way, my mind is not quite settled on what it is doing. everything feels wrong. again, nothing out of the ordinary, nothing terrible, nothing big and huge in the scheme of thigns...except i can't ignore it. i guess i don't usually believe that feeling but now i am. now i am beginning to wonder whether i truly am lost.
which is weird...because in many ways it seems as though i've found a path with directions and signposts.
but what happens when you feel like the signposts are in another language, one you can't understand, or that they lead to other, trickier, paths that may or may not take you to a place you'd actually like to go?
what happens when you are going down the path and you get that feeling in your belly that is telling you that you missed your exit about 30minutes ago but you don't have any service on your phone, the highway is signless, and it is snowing?
what does lost look like? i don't know. i feel it looks like me. but i know it could also look like you. it could look like anyone and all of us.
i am sure this feeling also has to do with february ending because at the end of february comes march 1st. my birthday. is it me or does it feel like you should have shit figured out around your birthday? so you can write some amazing post on facebook or something about how this last year was amazing and hard and you can't wait for the next one because, oh my god, you are on the path and sooooo going to find awesomeness. i am sure my subconscious is also putting on the extra layer of meaning since it is my 29th birthday. articles tell me i'm supposed to feel -- happy? sad? confused? excited? accomplished? old? young? -- as i enter the last year of my 20s.
it is february and most moments of the day i feel like yelling: "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM DOING!"
yeah, yeah. i know you have no idea what you are doing either. we are all winging it in some fashion.
for my birthday, i'd really appreciate a map of some sort? with like clear directions and shit. yeah. that would be nice. i know it isn't possible. i know i have to ride it out...like how we all have to ride out february and winter...but it would be a hell of a lot easier to be lost, to ride it out if, like, i was in the southern hemisphere. on a beach. i can be lost on a beach. i'd be really good at it, i think.
scratch the map. i'll take a plane ticket instead.