sometimes i get mad about something that is said, done, etc. i get mad. i fester. i end up crying.
it can be a thing.
it is a thing especially because i've noticed i'm getting upset more often these days. either i am more sensitive/aware now or people are becoming less sensitive/aware. take your pick.
lately, i've been wondering about the why behind my feelings. what is truly upsetting me?
am i getting upset because the thing said/done was mean? was just flat out wrong? or am i upset because there is truth in it and i am getting called out?
i think there was a time in my life when i assumed that when someone said or did that thing that upset me...they were right. every time. it obviously meant something i had done/said was wrong and the reason why i was getting upset was because my subconscious saw the truth in it.
there are a loads of things i have probably taken on as truth deep inside because someone was just being a jerk.
i feel like i began to shift a few years ago. it was like suddenly i was sick of it. something clicked and i realized i wasn't a doormat (ha! what an idea). i was sick of other people's crap turning me into a pile of tears and self-hate. and so i began to think, oh hey, maybe that thing someone said was shitty and not right at all.
but i didn't fully become the person who assumed she was right all the time. which is good. because i am not right all the time. duh.
i feel that i am now taking on both reactions. i am pissed and self-righteous and i am hurt and sad. i feel that the person who has upset me is wrong and i get pissed, but i also internalize all that he/she is saying. so i am all "fuck you, you are wrong" but then inside am like "oh god, i'm a terrible human being". or i am just like "oh god, i'm a terrible human being".
have i mentioned that this sucks?
this is part of the reason i try to go to yoga and meditate. i am convinced that the answer lies somewhere on my the mat or the meditation cushion. or in my running shoes. or on a spin bike....really any place where i am moving physically and for a few moments, i am more concerned about whether i'll survive the class than anything else.
probably the answer is to just breathe and let go.
god, that is the answer, isn't?
to let it go...let the anger go...let the self-hate go...which is different than internalizing the feelings. which is different than ignoring them. which is different than thinking "oh yes they were right" or "oh yes i was right". which is different than being a doormat.
what a person said could be wrong...and i can acknowledge it as such...and letting go just allows me to go on about my day without his/her words haunting me. what i said could be wrong...and i can acknowledge it as such...but letting go allows me to accept the lesson without wallowing all day and thinking i am a terrible person.
it allows for the distance needed to grow, to change, to move as opposed to encouraging stasis and depression.
oh yes. i get it now. except...
i mentioned above that i fester. i am still holding on to things that happened when i was in the third grade...like i said before, it is a thing.
if only letting go were easy.
i've been able to let some pretty big things go in my life. and i'm still holding on to others. sometimes i am proud that my festering only lasted 10 minutes. sometimes i am embarrassed that i am still festering about things that happened long ago.
sometimes i go for a run or head to yoga not only to let things go, but to prevent the upset from happening in the first place. trying to avoid the storm in the first place. sometimes i treat myself to a warm apple cider to make myself feel better during the festering.
as per usual, i don't have any answers in this post. i'm just sharing because i was festering this morning and i thought maybe i am not the only one.
and maybe being honest about it will help the letting go process.
(title of this post comes from this moment in groundhog day)