remember those trust exercises that you were forced to do at school or camp or work or something? like you would stand on a box and your classmates would stand on the ground and you were asked to fall backwards and freaking trust that your teammates would catch you...
i vaguely remember having to do this. i think i was able to fall back on like the third try. maybe.
i was like "trust is cool and all, but i'd rather not die, thank you very much."
when it comes to trust in real life, i still think that may be my motto, my mantra.
"trust is cool and all, but i'd rather not die, thank you very much."
okay, okay. maybe that is an exaggeration. i must have a little trust, right? like i am one of those people who will leave my bag at my table while waiting in line in a cafe and who will trust that an asshole won't steal it. i am one of those people who lets my dog use my hand as a chew toy because i trust he won't mistake it for food. i am one of those people who used Match.com, eHarmony, and OKCupid and went on dates and eventually went back to a few guys' homes because i trusted that they weren't going to murder me.
so, yes, i trust from time to time.
but i sometimes don't trust my boyfriend when he tells me that he isn't planning on leaving me tomorrow. because, for real, he could leave me tomorrow. i am a pain in the ass sometimes, guys.
i sometimes don't trust that all the time i spend writing will amount to anything. because there are so many writers, artists, in the world and so many of them don't get to see their work appreciated.
i sometimes don't trust that things will happen when they are supposed to. because there are plane crashes, and car crashes, and there's cancer, and illnesses, and so many other sad things, and really, you are trying to tell me that those things are supposed to happen?
i sometimes don't trust my intuition, my gut, my inner voice. because what if she is wrong?
i sometimes don't trust in the mail, in fire alarms, in pregnancy tests, in gas stoves, in sizing charts, in scales, in mirrors, in popcorn. because sometimes they get lost, sometimes they don't work, sometimes they are wrong, sometimes they leak, sometimes they lie, and sometimes they get stuck in your teeth.
sometimes i think it would be more intimate to turn to someone you love and say, "i trust you." (i spent a good five minutes trying to think of why i think this way...then i remembered: duh.)
it is hard to trust another person. to trust the universe. to trust something outside of yourself. we've all be burned by trust before so of course we have some baggage.
i fully recognize that trust is an important part of life and really, by not trusting, i'm only hurting myself. i'm only stressing myself out because i need to trust and lean on others sometimes. i need to trust that someone else has got my back. i need to trust that i won't get hurt, that the information i have is true...
but sometimes i need to trust that i will get hurt and i need to trust that there is a reason i'm not, well, trusting.
and i have to trust that i know (or will learn) the difference.
i feel like every post i now write ends with this revelation that i have to do something that is really fucking hard to do. last week it was all "i need to let go and that's hard" and now its all "i need to trust and that's hard." AND OF COURSE LETTING GO AND TRUSTING ARE RELATED BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY ARE.
i see you, life. i see you. don't think i don't. i got your number and i promise i'll figure out a way to get you back for all this hard, confusing crap you pull.
until then...i'll be...learning to trust...and learning to let go...and learning about life...