am i right, or am i right?

sometimes i get mad about something that is said, done, etc. i get mad. i fester. i end up crying. 

it can be a thing.

it is a thing especially because i've noticed i'm getting upset more often these days. either i am more sensitive/aware now or people are becoming less sensitive/aware. take your pick. 

lately, i've been wondering about the why behind my feelings. what is truly upsetting me? 

am i getting upset because the thing said/done was mean? was just flat out wrong? or am i upset because there is truth in it and i am getting called out?

i think there was a time in my life when i assumed that when someone said or did that thing that upset me...they were right. every time. it obviously meant something i had done/said was wrong and the reason why i was getting upset was because my subconscious saw the truth in it.

there are a loads of things i have probably taken on as truth deep inside because someone was just being a jerk. 

i feel like i began to shift a few years ago. it was like suddenly i was sick of it. something clicked and i realized i wasn't a doormat (ha! what an idea). i was sick of other people's crap turning me into a pile of tears and self-hate. and so i began to think, oh hey, maybe that thing someone said was shitty and not right at all. 

but i didn't fully become the person who assumed she was right all the time. which is good. because i am not right all the time. duh.

i feel that i am now taking on both reactions. i am pissed and self-righteous and i am hurt and sad. i feel that the person who has upset me is wrong and i get pissed, but i also internalize all that he/she is saying. so i am all "fuck you, you are wrong" but then inside am like "oh god, i'm a terrible human being". or i am just like "oh god, i'm a terrible human being".  

have i mentioned that this sucks?

it sucks.

this is part of the reason i try to go to yoga and meditate. i am convinced that the answer lies somewhere on my the mat or the meditation cushion. or in my running shoes. or on a spin bike....really any place where i am moving physically and for a few moments, i am more concerned about whether i'll survive the class than anything else.

probably the answer is to just breathe and let go.

god, that is the answer, isn't?

to let it go...let the anger go...let the self-hate go...which is different than internalizing the feelings. which is different than ignoring them. which is different than thinking "oh yes they were right" or "oh yes i was right". which is different than being a doormat.

what a person said could be wrong...and i can acknowledge it as such...and letting go just allows me to go on about my day without his/her words haunting me. what i said could be wrong...and i can acknowledge it as such...but letting go allows me to accept the lesson without wallowing all day and thinking i am a terrible person. 

it allows for the distance needed to grow, to change, to move as opposed to encouraging stasis and depression.

oh yes. i get it now. except...

i mentioned above that i fester. i am still holding on to things that happened when i was in the third grade...like i said before, it is a thing. 

if only letting go were easy. 

i've been able to let some pretty big things go in my life. and i'm still holding on to others. sometimes i am proud that my festering only lasted 10 minutes. sometimes i am embarrassed that i am still festering about things that happened long ago. 

sometimes i go for a run or head to yoga not only to let things go, but to prevent the upset from happening in the first place. trying to avoid the storm in the first place. sometimes i treat myself to a warm apple cider to make myself feel better during the festering.

as per usual, i don't have any answers in this post. i'm just sharing because i was festering this morning and i thought maybe i am not the only one.

and maybe being honest about it will help the letting go process.

maybe. 

(title of this post comes from this moment in groundhog day)

---

upside down...boy you turn me...

(first, the song the title is referencing is this one...which you should, like, know.)

it was so easy.

i felt so light. my knees curled into my chest. my legs floated upward. i was beaming.

and then i was falling. i was falling not straight back...but to the side...and into the woman next to me (she, amazingly, stayed up. that, my folks, is what we call balance).  i was on the floor...one of those people you hear falling to the floor while trying an inversion in yoga class.

my journey to headstand is happening both faster and slower than i had originally imagined.

until december, i was a headstand by the wall and by kicking up kind-of-girl. i had been that girl for years. then i went to a jivamukti class and that all changed.

i've managed to do a headstand in the middle of the room. no kicking up. just bringing my knees to my chest and then slowly bringing my legs overhead. it is now crossed off on my #30before30 list. because, hey, i did it. in truth, it has happened now maybe 4 or 5 times now. every time it happens i wonder if i have passed the test. if it will now happen the next time and the time after that. 

spoiler alert: it doesn't.

the monster fall happened last friday. since then, i've had one practice where my legs got halfway up and another where my legs barely stayed into my chest. it is frustrating to say the least but every time i find myself in savasana afterward i can hear the voice in my head telling me this is a lesson.  

i tend to be impatient. i tend to want things now. i want to know the future now. i want the rest of my life to happen now. time doesn't work that way.

i want my hard work to pay off immediately. i want to hit a certain milestone and not trickle back. i want things to be light and graceful. life doesn't work that way.

yoga doesn't work that way.

when practicing headstand, i can feel the fear running through my body. i actually think i can extend my legs overhead more often than i do....i just usually get scared and come back down instead of trying to pause and keep going. 

that, my friends, is a metaphor for my life. i get scared and turn back instead of pushing ahead.

pretty much every day i attempt to convince myself to give up writing and try something, anything else. pretty much every day my brain tries to convince me that my boyfriend actually doesn't love me as much as he says and that he'll leave eventually so maybe i should prepare for that. my brain is a real bitch sometimes. luckily, she knows she is a bitch and is able to ignore herself most of the time.

but what is interesting with this practice of headstand in particular is how i am drawn to trying it day after day, class after class despite the fear and frustration. on the days that i get my legs straight overhead my body feels strong, my breath is on point, my eyes are focused, and my fear...is still there. but i am able to overcome her for just a moment, to calm her for just a second, so that i can try to go further. in fact, when i fall out of the pose, i immediately try again. i don't want to get so scared i'll never try again so i set myself up and try. often, i don't get nearly as far, but i am still working toward the goal.

my fingers are still a little sore from the fall last week. i think i somehow pulled muscles in my hands...which i didn't think was possible. i fell, i believe, because my left shoulder keeps collapsing. i am not sure why that is happening, but today in class i will try it again and try to get to the bottom of it. that voice in my brain is telling me i'll never figure it out and i'll never be able to do it, but, like i said, i am good about ignoring her most of the time.

in yoga we talk about training our physical bodies in order to train our minds. i like to believe that this quest to achieve a strong, steady, balanced headstand is also helping me achieve a stronger writing practice. i like to believe that getting over my fear of falling backwards is helping me get over my fear of rejection. i like to believe the patience and dedication i need to practice for headstand will seep over into my love life.

i like to believe all these practices are rolled into one and i like to believe that just as one day headstand will hopefully be a part of my daily practice and not the one i fret over, i believe that the voice, those fears, will just be a part of the white noise in my head, there, but not front and center. 

i like to believe all these practices are rolled into one and i like to believe that just as one day headstand will hopefully be a part of my daily practice and not the one i fret over, i believe that the voice, those fears, will just be a part of the white noise in my head, there, but not front and center. 

---

dullness duration

I woke up in the middle of the night in pain.

Lately, I’ve been waking up around 4 or 5 in the morning. Sometimes it is because of the wind, winding around our corner apartment, creating a soundtrack that is impressive, and a little scary. Sometimes it is because I have to pee and have been contemplating leaving the bed for several minutes and finally my body woke me up enough to take the sensation seriously. Sometimes it is just because. Sometimes, like the other night, it was a combination: all the above and some back pain. 

For hours, I stared at our streetlight-lit ceiling and bedroom, just thinking. 

Most of my thoughts were about my back and how it hasn’t been the same since last year. Now that I think about it, and now that I’ve read some things, I am pretty sure I threw out my back (which I recognize is a catch-all term, but I didn't even have that before). While the pain went away, It hasn’t been the same since. I can feel it in yoga—there are muscles and there is soreness where there once was ease (though it opens up more and more after each yoga class I go to). Last year, I asked for chiropractor suggestions and got a lot. By the time I got to looking them up, I was New York bound. So, the other night, I was wondering if the back pain I was feeling was related to that. I was wondering if it is the normal back pain, the pain that has been with me for years. I was wondering if it was because I had been going to yoga more (honestly, I am surprised my entire body isn't trying to wave a white flag in surrender after the amount of yoga I've been doing).

I began thinking about pain and how I am worse at handling the dull pain that my body sometimes hangs on too than the sharp, sudden pains.  The sharp pains are not fun--that is not what I mean. They are just…sharp. They are urgent. Spiky. I can’t ignore them so I don’t try. They also, usually, go away eventually. I may have to breakdown and take something. Take a nap. Take some tylenol. Take some time in a dark space. But they go away...or, rather, I have faith that they will.

The dull ones linger. The dull headache. The dull backache. The dull muscle ache in my hip. My back still aches. Even now as I am writing this. But it isn’t enough to stop me. It isn’t enough for medicine (sometimes). I ask for the occasional back rub from Paul, but other than that I am on my own. The dull pain sometimes gets so, well, dull and consistent. It. just. never. stops. or. changes. I shift and I move and I stretch, but nothing gives. It is there and it can be there for a while. For the duration. I feel like I am going crazy as I feel the dullness grow louder and louder, like pounding in my ears.

The dull pain reminds me of emotions and feelings and the pains we collect as we grow and connect and disconnect with ourselves and with others. I can usually deal with the sharp pains well—the immediate issues. The fight, as it happens. The breakup, as it happens. The frustration, as it happens. But it is the next morning, later that night, a year later, when the pain has lost its sharp luster, and begins to dull, that I am suddenly lost. I feel it, throbbing, in my body and in my mind and there is no clear end in sight. The dull pain will have to be worked through. It will have to be massaged. And I’m never been the most patient or the best patient.

I woke up in the middle of the night and thought about the dull pain in my back and how I should have gone to the chiropractor and how much I wanted to wake Paul up and ask for that back massage. 

And then my mind left that and ventured into other dull pains that, sometimes, wake me up. Worries. Concerns. The pain, the fear, that there is something you could do to make everything okay and yet you don’t know what it is. The pain, the fear, that there is a medicine that you are refusing to take. Am I good enough. Am I doing the right things. Am I happy. Am I a good person. Am I Am I Am I. The pain, the concerns, the fears — they are selfish. I. I. I. (I find comfort at yoga, a place that reminds me that I is really we).

And then I changed positions. Twisted my body in a familiar way. A stretch as much as a release. 

And I breathed in and out. In and out. 

Until, finally, my brain let the dullness fall into the background and let sleep emerge.

(and yes, yes, I’ll go and get my back checked out now.)

---

out with old, in with new (updated)

I usually like to write about my year. to get all reflective in words. this year, i'm not really feeling it. 2014 was a great year. a lot was awesome. a lot was just okay. i changed in ways i liked and in ways i didn't. i am looking forward to 2015, mostly because i don't really know what is in store. instead of a long review, i decided to choose a few pictures that made me think of this year and then write a little about what i want next year. so first, the photos....

snow in rittenhouse square.

my host family and me in nicaragua

the beauty of las 40, nicaragua

always trying to become more disciplined on my mat

editing my play, 'who we let in'

breakfast in the woods with the group, fresh ground pepper

the view of the empire state building on 9/11/14

a more and more familiar scene these days: me editing, him wanting my lap back

pablo, george, me. living together, laughing together, and sending out christmas cards together.

looking ahead to 2015, i am struck by the fact that i'll turn 29. two months into the year, i'll be 29. i feel like 15 year old charly would be so freaking amazed by this. she thought 29 was SO OLD, SO ADULT. little did she know, guys. little did she know...

now 28 year old charly is like, cool, that means i am getting older, but no one will believe me when i say i'm 29 because i have a face of a sixteen year old so whatever AND my saturn return doesn't technically start, according to one of those online calculators, until next december so who is looking forward to that...

in all honesty though, i am someone actually excited by the prospect of turning 30. i don't know why. i'm sure i'll one day regret the thought.

anyway, tomorrow, jan. 1st, marks 14 months until i turn 30. so, i figured, instead of doing new years resolutions, i'd just do a 30 things i'd like to do before turning 30 list. it allows me to look forward to that upcoming decade change and it allows me to have two extra months to complete this stuff. it is a win-win. hopefully. so, here goes in no particular order:

1. add another stamp to my passport: i've been lucky to travel to a lot of different places. but i want to see more. i have an unofficial goal of visiting every country in central america before i'm 35 (i got two down already) and i'd like to go to south africa, croatia, turkey, iceland...the list goes on. i'll take visiting at least one new country in the next 14 months. (we escaped to mexico on 2/1/15)
2. vacation with just pablo: we have never actually taken a vacation together, just the two of us. i'd like us to do that. that would be nice.
3. return to omega: i went to omega for a yoga training in 2013 and loved it. i felt at home there. i'd like to go back for some bit of time. 
4. go wine tasting at a winery: i've done wine tasting before, but never at a winery. now that pablo and i have a wine fridge (a christmas gift from his parents), i'd like to up my wine knowledge. (completed 1/10/15)
5. read at least 30 books: this may be pushing it but what the hell! i used to read 30 books in a summer (okay, i was maybe 15 at the time and wasn't working and had like no responsibilities...), i can read 30 in the next 14 months, right? ....right?
6. finish 4 full-length plays: so i am kinda cheating since i have already started two...but i tend to be slow in the playwriting department when it comes to full-lengths. i need a little push to get myself going. 
7. simplify my wardrobe: i still have that wanna-be-sorta-minimalist thing in me. i'd love to get my wardrobe down to like 100 items...that i actually can wear and like. i might make this one more specific as i go. but i want to simplify! was is it so hard?
8. finish my mom's scarf and my grandma's hat: i am crocheting them now but i have a bad habit of giving up projects. if everything goes to plan, this can be the first thing i cross off this list. (completed 1/2/15)
9. get dairy out of my diet for good: yup. dairy and i should have been done a long time ago...and we have been, but i always go crawling back and my stomach hates me for it. enough is enough. this will be one step toward getting my diet back under control.
10. go to the dentist: i am not telling you when i went to the dentist last because you may not be my friend anymore if i tell you. 
11. self-publish another book of poetry: i promised i would and pablo's mom has already asked me if i am so it is going to happen.
12. run another half marathon or finally do a marathon: i want to do a marathon. i want to but...we'll see. another half marathon feels more likely and, honestly, feels more healthy for my knees. 
13. have a daily meditation practice: i want to have a daily meditation practice working like a well oiled machine, like at least 50 days of meditating in a row, by march 1st, 2016.
14. maintain a consistent yoga practice: i've been practicing yoga on and off now for nearly 9 years, but it has never been consistent for more than maybe a year. there are reasons for that--running, for instance, became a focus and i always had a hard time maintaining the two--but i want to have a strong, dedicated, disciplined practice and now is as good a time as any. my goal is to go at least 3 times a week and work my way to practicing 5 times a week. 
15. be able to do a headstand in the middle of the room: i feel like if i practice more, this will happen. i think 14 months of constant practice may allow me to find this pose. i am not going to stress over it, but i am going to practice it and see what happens. 
16. save $20 a week: simple saving cause dolla bills are a necessary evil.
17. open a retirement account: because, as a freelance writer/editor/playwright/performer/whatever i am, i'm going to need to plan for that shit now.
18. bring my credit card bill down to $___ a month: Ya'll don't need to know that number. 
19. go out dancing: IT HAS BEEN FAR TOO LONG AND IT IS RIDICULOUS THAT I HAVE TO ADD THIS TO THE LIST BUT WHATEVER I ACCEPT IT.
20. produce blackbird delight's first show: nuff said. time to get on it.
21. watch the sound of music and mary poppins: i've never seen these films and i'm tired of getting shit for it.
22. replace my underwear: this may seem weird, but i want new, nice underwear that makes me feel good. yeah.
23. get a ukulele and play it: i know, i know, i know, but i want one okay..?
24. get a haircut: this is like the dentist one...though i did get a haircut in july...it is just possible that won't get another one unless mandated by a higher power.
25. go on a date with pablo to a jazz club: because we'd both enjoy this and it would be nice so we should do it.
26. visit my friends in boston: i suck and have promised to do this for 4 years now. sorry lily and jon. 
27. complete the whole30: i learned i am pre-diabetic this year. so i have to watch carbs and sugars among other things. i want to see if this diet works for me. this, along with ditching dairy, is my step toward finding a diet that really works for me.
28. spend time by the water: like a week, by the water, i don't care where. i just need some water time. preferably water that i can swim in during a time a year when such a thing would be favorable.
29. journal: i want to bring some more reflection into my life in a private way. so i'd like to work up to journaling twice a week. 
30. actually have a 30th birthday party: yeah. i never really want to do much for my birthday, but i'd like to have a party and have people celebrate with me. so hold me to it, okay?

happy new year, folks. 

---

the hard things

being a human being is hard. 

which is not to say that being any other kind of thing, living or not, isn't hard.

in fact, they probably have it harder.

but, the other day, i sighed and heard a voice in my head say, being a human being is hard. and, well, i am going to trust that this voice has a point.

i am not a huge fan of the holidays. i could go into why, but it is all so long ago that it is hardly worth going into it. or rather it is for me to go into to, uncover, think about...not the masses. but, all you need to know is that i am not a huge fan of the holidays.

i overcompensate with holiday cards and small christmas trees and christmas shopping. i seem like i am totally into it. and i am. sorta. i want to be.

but i also sorta hate the holidays.

being a human being is hard.

in 2012 and 2013, the holidays were spent mostly on a retail floor. the holidays were about sales goals and finding the perfect size so someone could give the perfect gift. they were about getting up early to open the store, staying up late to close the store, spending what felt like forever in the store, getting to know the holiday hires, explaining to my family why i'd only be up for the day...

they were about volunteering to work christmas eve even though i was already scheduled to work the day after christmas and you don't have to work both.

in the moment, i seemed like an angel, coming to the rescue of a sick coworker. 

but really i was hiding.

working in retail during the holidays allowed me to hide behind busy work schedules and team bonding. i had shit to do which was loosely related to the holidays, but allowed me to not focus on the holidays themselves. i usually had less than 24 hours to truly celebrate thanksgiving, christmas, and new years. the closest i got to dealing with the holidays myself was that i had to hear the christmas song as i walked through the mall, but i didn't have the time to let the song hit me (it is my favorite christmas song, but it also makes me want to slowly crawl into a ball and cry for hours on end. it is a love-hate thing.). 

this year i was retail free. i was excited for this. it meant i could see my family, see my boyfriend's family, and have time to enjoy. 

but i had forgotten my usual response to twinkling lights and santa claus.

i first discovered something was afoot on my yoga mat a week before christmas. of course, it happened there because that is what happens when you breathe and twist and focus. shit comes up and, sometimes, it is too much to let go of afterward.

six days of yoga in a row. i felt like i needed it every day. i needed to work out something every day. i was exhausted. but it was still there.

and then it was christmas time. i left my mat at home, packed some running shoes and headed south. my boyfriend's family is lovely and they have lovely holiday traditions and this year i went with my boyfriend to share them. 

one day i ran in cold rain. i felt as though something had been burned off in the run. i felt lighter. this, i thought, is progress. but then later, i felt heavy again. whatever it was, was back.

the next evening, after heading to bed, i realized the heaviness was still there...and growing. and i wasn't sure why. honestly, i wasn't even sure how i felt. was i upset? was i grumpy? was i angry? was i sad? i was feeling shaken and i wasn't sure why. as far as i could tell, there was no overt reason why. nothing had happened. nothing. but i felt crappy and i felt like i was being crappy and i felt like i was full of crap. 

crap. crap. crap.

my eyes scanned the room and then i saw the christmas presents. 

and it hit me.

this was the first time in two years that i didn't have a distraction. i didn't have something to occupy my brain. i didn't have something that allowed me to hide. i was exposed and the holiday elements were in full force. 

those old feelings had never left. they were just dormant. until they weren't anymore.

i sighed. being a human being is hard, i thought. then i turned to my boyfriend and explained what i thought may be going on.

sometimes i get moody and don't know why. sometimes i push a disagreement past a healthy point. sometimes i am sensitive and get hurt easily and respond by getting silent...or cruel. sometimes i am happy and festive and sometimes i just want for the season to change. sometimes i smile and sometimes i cry and sometimes i sit somewhere in-between the two. sometimes i am happy and then, suddenly, am not anymore. sometimes i don't find jokes funny or get irrationally upset about them. sometimes i am a pleasant person. sometimes i am not.

most of the time, i am ashamed of myself for feeling and acting this way. i am ashamed for not having figured it out yet...for not letting things go...for still falling into that dark hole. i am ashamed for feeling low when others are struggling with much bigger things. i am ashamed for not being as light, as calm, as happy, as content, as grounded....as i want/think i should be. i know i shouldn't be ashamed, but i am. i am even though i, at one point in my life, was studying to be a therapist...one who would say to someone like me, "you have nothing to be ashamed of". 

yesterday, i went back to yoga class. after two runs and a week of no yoga, my body was a little ticked off with me as i stepped back into down dog. the class wouldn't be as easy as i had hoped. i breathed. i focused. i stepped in and out of poses. when it got to be time for inversions, i tried to lift up into headstand in the middle of the room. but didn't succeed. which makes sense since i have yet to succeed (except once, after 27 tries, on a beach).  honestly, every time it is time for this pose, i feel a little ashamed that i can't do it...even though i know it is fine that i can't. 

i heard the teacher come closer and without saying a word we both knew he was there to help me. i lifted up and he held me there...for a while. i breathed. i relaxed. i softened and engaged...until i brought myself down. 

once in child's pose, i felt the heaviness there...the one that was stirred up on the mat two weeks ago and settled in over christmas...the one that is filled with shame, fear, frustration. i felt it there.

being a human being is hard. 

headstands are also hard.

being patient and understanding with yourself, being aware of what's at work, and being okay with changing your form or your approach in order to achieve balance and calm...that is the work.

being able to admit the struggle, being able to admit imperfection, being able to admit that sometimes you need someone's support and sometimes you just need time and sometimes you don't know what you need...that is the work.

being able to say sometimes you are ashamed of not finding the lightness, but that doesn't mean you won't try to find it again tomorrow...that is the work too.

---

begin again

on tuesday, i felt an urge.

i wanted to go to yoga. 

so i changed my schedule, threw on some yoga clothes, and ran to the subway so I could make it to class at 3p at the jivamukti yoga school. for years i've been reading about jivamukti. a friend gifted me a book on it -- it was one of my first yoga books -- and ever since i've been intrigued. another friend is a lover of the jivamukti practice and her enthusiasm was a bit part of why i choose to go. 

i was hoping to get there and feel this magical, mystical sensation...to hear a voice from another world that said "you are home". truthfully, i didn't. not in that way, no. but pressing my feet to the mat, and pushing up into downward dog for the first time in a class since september and for the first time in a yoga studio since august, felt right. it hurt too. but it felt right. by the time savasana came, i was grateful-- for that particular practice to be over, lol, but also for my practice to start again. 

i didn't purchase the new student week long special. honestly, i didn't trust myself to go back this week.

but i did.

i've been back every day the last three days. i'm already wondering if i can fit it in tomorrow.

in the three practices i've had,  i've felt my body begin to remember. to remember the breaths and the movements, to remember the poses i wish didn't exist and the ones i love to practice. it is slipping back into the familiar...

and yet it is different.

no one at this studio knows i am. they don't know i am (was?) a yoga teacher. they don't know how long i've been practicing. i am the new student, the one they've never seen before, and the one who seems out of practice. i am the one they support in headstand because she has yet to figure out how to do it herself away from the wall. i am the one who needs the reminder to use her core and tuck in her ribs.

i am a student. a new student. with a lot to learn. 

before i moved to new york, i remember telling friends i was excited to be a student again. i was excited to spend the time on my practice and watch it grow. even though i had planned on teaching one class this fall, which didn't work out, i was excited to let my teacher side get some rest. i was excited for this because i knew my personal practice was wonky this year. i could feel my body reverting to bad habits. i could feel my own grasp on the practice slipping away.

that voice, that magical moment, didn't happen all at once, but happens little by little every time i go back. i think it is a combination of things at work. i think it is the chanting we do at the beginning of class that reminds me of my first yoga experiences and my training as a teacher. i think it is the calm exhibited by the teachers. i think it is the smile of the woman at the front desk who remembered me yesterday and the laugh of the woman today who told me the secret of figuring out which studio i'll be in. i think it was the calm smile and humor of my teacher today. i think it was the teacher last night who said that writing is a yoga practice (so perhaps i've just been practicing a different kind of yoga these past few months). i think it is the book i picked up in the little shop that is all about training the mind. i think it is my yearning to delve deeper into my spiritual practice. i think it is going some place new and yet familiar.  

it took four months for me to get to yoga, but i am here now. i am back. and i am ready to begin again. 

how i learn

it has been over a month since i've written.

so many times i've opened up the computer to write a post and, within seconds, closed it again. even now i am fighting the urge to give up and call it a day. 

but i miss writing here. i miss sharing the things on my mind and in my body that are mine and not the voices of characters created. so here we go...

change has been on my mind a lot lately. this has been a theme for probably the last two years of my life. more than one person has reminded me that i'm 28, turning 29 in a few short months, and that i am probably in the midst of my saturn return (you laugh, but that shit is serious). 

this time period is supposed to be dominated by change. by upheaval. 

and the last four months of my life have been the epitome of change. 

it is often in change that we recognize what we want to hold on to. it is often in change that we recognize the things we wish we hadn't let go of.

it is weird to me that i haven't been in a real yoga studio since august. 

read that again.

since. august.

the last time i took a class--like not a class taught by me in my bedroom to myself--was september. and...that was the only class i've taken since moving.

it has been two weeks since i pulled out my yoga mat to practice at home.

i haven't taught yoga since july.

and i am missing my practice. i am missing my mat, my sanctuary. i am missing the quietness, the calm my soul finds when practicing. 

of course, i am missing the endorphins. the fitness. the healthiness a regular yoga practice encourages (i am not going to lie...new york takeout and a more sedentary lifestyle have changed my emotional body as well as my physical), but mostly i am missing a sense of self.

yoga came into my life in college, but it became a part of my life during a lonely time. it helped me find my footing, it helped me find a place. and while that time as passed, i am, yet again, finding my footing and finding my place.

on a particularly difficult night last week, i found myself crying on my couch. after i calmed myself down, i realized that i was sitting in a cross-legged position, my back was straight, my hands rested on my thighs and i was taking deep, sounding breaths...

i had found myself in the pose i take for meditation. this is my position of solace.

when i realized this, i smiled and i realized that, yes, i know body, i need to get my ass back to yoga. 

but this is how we learn. three and a half years ago, six months before i returned to my mat and decided to become a yoga teacher, i stood in my kitchen, talking to my friend rachel about how we both wanted to be writers and how we both were trying to convince ourselves that we shouldn't pursue it and how we both had tried to change but the nagging love of writing was still there. three and a half years ago, after that conversation, i pulled out an old script and decided to finish it. 

we learn by changing, by trying new things on, and by noticing what calls us back.