if you know me, you probably know i've been sick the last five days. this is unusual for me. i get sick often...let's be real, i have a stuffy nose 95% of the year...but usually i get sick for a day or two and then feel at least 90% okay.
well, not this time around. i am in bed. again. i've spent a significant amount of time in bed the last few days. i would spend all day in bed and then head out to meetings/performances in the evenings. again, this is abnormal for me. i'm the one that usually has to be sent home sick from work because i went in when i damn well knew i shouldn't have. i'm the one who will clean the house instead of sitting my butt down. i've slept more and watched more netflix/hbo go in the last four days than i have in the four months preceding it.
basically my body is like, dude, i am obviously run down. sit your ass down and rest.
according to the doctor (because i finally dragged myself to the doctor), it seems that my immune system is run down. oh and that i am super dehydrated.
rest. drink water. get some mucinex d and a neti pot. you'll be fine...it just may take another 72 hours. the doctor smiled and sent me on my way.
this post is not all about me complaining about being sick (or is it..?). it is about me being in bed, often by myself, for long periods of time. time that has been spent, for the most part, awake since me and naps aren't the best of friends. with such time, i have had thoughts and realizations.
i wanted to bring up to realizations i've had.
my body has been telling me to cool it for a few weeks now. first, my knee was bothering me for several weeks. i knew i should take a week off to let it heal and then start running and spinning again. i, being dumb, was like i'll stop spinning, but not running because i don't want to gain the weight i lost back in january. can i just say that i gained the weight back anyway....and you know why? because in january, i cooked all the time and stopped eating things like cookies and bread. and in april, i've been cooking less and i started eating cookies and avocado toast again. you know why? because i fucking love cookies. and avocado toast. and so does my body so that weight came back anyway...so all i was doing was running on a bum knee...
second, i've had weird facial pain/headache things. the doctor told me it sounded like stress.. she then felt my shoulders and neck and was like...um, do you know how tense you feel there? and i said, yes because my yoga teacher comes over to me in class and basically gives me a 2min neck massage because my shoulders are up to my ears. it is all connected, she said. of course it is, i said back in my head.
and...guess what...other than a yoga class on thursday, i haven't done much more than walk in the last five days and my knee feels great. and the weird face pain thing...i haven't felt it either. duh, i tell my myself. fucking duh. my body was telling me i needed to stop for a moment and i didn't listen and now it is forcing me to calm down. figures.
lesson: listen to your body. [this is a lesson i learn about every two months]
this is connected to the above. being in bed and sick has meant that i have had a lot of time to think and ponder. i've noticed that my mind hasn't been so nice to me over the last five days. and it makes me wonder just how mean i am to myself day-in and day-out. for example, i've noticed just how mean i am to myself about how i look, about my weight, about what i eat. i've gotten mad at my body over the last five days for staying sick, for having terrible teeth, for being allergic to everything, for having abs that have gone into hiding, for not being sexy enough, for being unable to focus, for being tired, for being nauseated, etc. i tend to think that i have a good amount of self-esteem when it comes to this stuff, but what i have realized over the last five days is that i don't.
i am really mean to myself and, if i am not careful, these unhealthy thoughts could lead to even more unhealthy behaviors.
short version of the lesson: love your body
long version of the lesson: fuck being mean to your body. i want to drink my green smoothie, eat my delicious sugary cookie, go out for korean bbq and go for a run without caring about whether my smoothie had enough green in it, about whether the cookie will ruin my diet, about whether i should eat the rice with the bulgogi, or about whether cardio is good for weight loss or not. i want to live my sometimes healthy/sometimes not life in peace...free of mean thoughts.
and here is the overall lesson i've learned from the two points above: sometimes lying in bed is the rest you need and sometimes it gives you the time to recognize the things you need to put to rest.
being sick sucks. it does. there is no getting around that. but sometimes it is what you need to see what is up and actually get your shit together.
so, yeah, i'll be getting myself together...
by continuing to rest today...
and giving other things a rest tomorrow.