i miss you.
i need to get up. i am in my pajamas, using a sweater as a blanket and pants -- it is complicated. the dog is curled up next to me, waiting for me to get my shit together so we can go for a walk (mornings are my shift...luckily he got walked at like 2am so we are still in okay time territory). the boyfriend is catching up on the world at his desktop computer, which is somewhat affectionately called 'big huffy' because it is big and loud.
i need to get up and go outside. the sky is blue and the sun is out and maybe the snow that fell yesterday will melt as the pup and i make our way to central park. we have only been to central park once since moving even though we are merely four blocks away.
this is not what i meant to write about.
what i really meant to write about is how this moment is making me think about the rest of the day and what i want to do with it. and what i realized is that i want to hang out with my friends. my really close friends. the ones that i couldn't get rid of if i tried...
and what i realized is that most of them don't live nearby.
and what i realized is that i miss them.
i miss you all a lot.
i am not good at making close friends. i am friendly. i can hang out every once and a while. but i am not good at becoming a fixture in someone else's life. i'm too quiet, too introverted, i think. basically i like my couch and my books too much.
but sometimes the miraculous thing happens and i become close with people. they call me to grab a drink, to say hello, to complain about dating, to discuss racism, to cry, to laugh. i suck and don't call them because i am always convinced i am intruding on someone's time or don't really have anything to say. i feel like i am dating a few potential new good friends right now. we are testing the waters. we aren't to calling yet. i am happy to date, but i am missing my old faithfuls.
thank you for calling, old friend. i appreciate it every time you do.
sometimes the miraculous thing happens without you realizing it. i've been surprised by phone calls and visits--pleasantly surprised that the person opposite me believes me to be a good friend. i've been saddened to realize that some friends are more like acquaintances than friends now. things shift. things fade. new things grow.
but this morning it is sunny and i want to go on a walk with a good friend. i want to grab lunch and tea and laugh and cry. i want to catch up with you. i want to tell the boyfriend that i'll be gone all day. i want to tell the dog i'll be back later. i want to dress up for no reason and buy things i'll return tomorrow. i want to go to yoga with you, friend, or watch west wing episodes all afternoon. i want to sit in bookstores or discuss new movies. i want to sit and watch your new performance piece and visit your cozy home. i want to tell you the things that have been bothering me and i want you to tell me it'll all be okay. i want you to hear what is going on in your life. i want to not worry about time and just be, you and me.
i want to pick up the phone and call you today. i am not sure that i will, but know that i want to. know that i miss you, friend. i am missing you so much right now.
come visit so we can spend the day together.